Happy Herbivore Blog

Minimalist Monday: Why Calling Someone "Lucky" Can Be Insulting

Posted by: Lindsay S. Nixon |

Category: Minimalist

A few months ago I read the Matched series. (If anyone wants to cry with me over book 3, I'm available by email).

The story takes place in a future society that… umm... has its flaws.

Anyway, the idea of "luck" had been totally eradicated in this new world.

From Matched:

"I answer, "That we are very lucky," and I mean it... The hostess corrects me gently. "Not lucky, Cassia. There is no luck in the Society." Of course. I should know better than to use such an archaic, inaccurate term. There's only probability now. How likely something is to occur, or how unlikely."

And then another mention of it in the second book, Reached:

"You think that boy was lucky?" I ask Vick. "Lucky," Vick says as he doesn't know what the word means. And maybe he doesn't. Luck is not a word the Society encourages.... "The Society doesn't believe in luck," Eli says."

(*Note: this is not a core part of the story line. Actually, it doesn't even matter in the story. The leading lady only mentions the nonexistence of "luck" in passing twice. Chances are if you read the series, you don't even remember these two moments. I'm a little batty about the word "luck" (as you'll soon find out!) that both of these instances stayed with me.)

Now a confession: I don't like the word "lucky" or being called lucky. Well, unless I am actually lucky. Like the one and only time I put some money in a slot machine and more than tripled that money in less than a minute. (I cashed out immediately. My momma didn't raise no fool!).

Anyway, I fussed, munched on my nails, and walked around in circles (literally! behind my desk!) for days debating whether or not I wanted to admit this (and admit it so publicly) and if I wanted to write this blog post... but then something happened and I knew I had to be honest.

A friend of mine has been pounding the pavement trying to be an actress for years. YEARS. We're talking almost two decades. I have absolutely no hesitation when I say she has worked her butt off and I would have given up eons ago if it were me. I really don't know how she kept going. Really, I'm in awe of her.

Nevertheless, her dedication and persistence paid off when she landed an INCREDIBLE role on a really hot TV show. She's going to be a big, big celebrity. All sorts of opportunities are going to open up to her and many already have.

I couldn't be more happy or thrilled for her and when the news broke, I was eager to take her out to celebrate.

There we were at dinner, just a bunch of us girls, when one of our mutual friends lifted her glass and said, "Tabitha* you are soooooo lucky!"

I watched Tabitha deflate like a balloon. Her smile slipped away. Her glass started to lower. Her entire body expression -- head, shoulders, face, eyes, ears -- went from "overjoyed" to "depressed," but always an actress, she recovered quickly. As our friend's toast continued, Tabitha smiled a fake smile, raised her glass back up and said "gee thanks!" I don't think anyone else caught what I did.

But I knew what happened.

I knew how Tabitha felt.

And as the night wore on, I heard at least three other people say "Wow! LUCKY!" or some variation to her.

If you look up the definition of "luck" or "lucky" you'll get some variation of this:

“Success or failure apparently brought by chance rather than through one’s own actions.”

Maybe now you see why being called "lucky" can make me batty. Or why it hurt Tabitha's feelings.

It's like they were writing off the fact that Tabitha spent nearly 20 years going on auditions (probably close to 1,000 total -- and dealing with an equal amount of rejection), networking, taking classes, taking unpaid jobs for experience, etc.

Of course I know these thoughts and feelings are not what anyone means or intends when they say "you're so lucky" but that's the chilling effect this saying has.

Sort of like the nasty chilling effect of saying anything other than "thank you" when you give someone a compliment. (p.s. that post is a MUST read).

Point is, calling someone "lucky" can really hurt.

And calling someone lucky, that actually isn’t, is like telling that same person, "You don’t deserve the happiness or success you have, because you didn’t earn it."

After the Tabitha event, I witnessed another instance of "lucky" gone wrong.

A different friend posted about her promotion on Facebook. Or, well, she posted a picture of her brand spankin' new car on Facebook.

One of the first comments to the picture was "lucky duck" and my friend's response was that she wasn't lucky. That she'd worked really hard to get her promotion. That she deserved it. That she made huge sacrifices to be able to afford this car. That she'd earned her new car. That no one just gave it to her. That she didn't win it on the Price Is Right, in which then, and only then, would she be "lucky." *

Then when I was writing this post, (seriously AS I was writing it!), this comment from Leah (below) popped up on an old post, Beneath Every Body is an Untold Story. In that post I retell two stories, one about my friend Liz* who had lost 45lbs. Anyway, Liz went to a party where most of the attendees did not know her 45lbs ago. During the party, another person grabbed her waist and said "Gosh I wish I was naturally skinny like you!" and then went on to call my friend lucky. How "lucky" she was to be so thin and so on.

Liz was hurt. She felt as though the woman's comment (which was a compliment!) negated or belittled all her hard work. All those calories she counted. All those mornings she got out of bed at 5am to go to the gym before her three kids woke up. All the times she dug deep and avoided her weakness for cookies, cakes, champagne, and chocolate, etc.

To Liz, it felt like a back handed compliment.

Meanwhile the commenter, Leah, wrote in response, "I totally empathize how it feels to have people make these comments about you. It feels like they are delegitimizing the work many healthy people put into being healthy. I was getting dressed before a friend's wedding with the bridesmaids, and one of them turned to me and said "Oh skinny people like you just make me sick!". I was so offended. I didn't say anything. Not only is that not a nice comment, but it negated the fact that I've been eating healthy for years and am an athlete. It negated any of my personal choices that make me who I am, choices that I am proud of making."

I agree the off handed comment was mean, and yes, she didn't call Leah "lucky", but I think the situations are related.

So often we don't see the chilling effect our words have.

Even if Liz had been super sweet and polite, saying, "Well actually, it's not luck. I work really hard to look this way. I lost 45lbs. but I appreciate your generous compliment!" -- that just doesn't work socially. At least, not in my experience. No one likes to be "corrected". And remember that chilling effect about not saying thanks? And trying to "win"? sigh.

And what could Leah have said?

I could ramble off another two dozen stories or instances like these.

I have tried to be mindful of my use of the word "luck" because when someone calls me lucky with respect to my blog, or books, or Happy Herbivore, or my nomadic lifestyle -- it often feels like they are saying all my hard work didn't count. That I didn't earn this.

That all those ginormous sacrifices I made --- that my family made, didn't really matter. That all that planning and hard work was actually pointless.

Now don't get me wrong. I still do feel lucky in many ways, but I've also come to appreciate that it's not all luck. I've worked non-stop, 60-80 hour weeks for six years straight to grow my business and seize my dream.

Where does that effort fit into the definition of luck?

Of course, I know when someone says, "You're so lucky", they don't mean what I feel. I know that's my own pride and ego that's bruising.

And maybe that's something to be ashamed about -- I don't know. I only hope to bring to light the chilling effect calling someone "lucky" can have. As a minimalist, I seek mindfulness, more awareness, and this is part of that.

Has someone ever said "you're so lucky" to you and it bummed you out?

Going back to Tabitha, perhaps she was lucky that she found a good agent, and that her agent was paying enough attention to find this audition for her, and that her car didn't break down on the way to the audition (these things are all out of Tabitha's control). But the rest falls on Tabitha, no? Was it really just luck that she got this role?

It all just gets soo sticky!

Even people who appear to be lucky (in terms of success), I find when you look behind the curtain, there is so much more than luck at play.

For example, think about those singers on shows like American Idol or The Voice. It's a great opportunity to be "discovered" (no denying that) and every year one of them is discovered and that person "made a star." They were so lucky to have the opportunity, right?

Yet it's still not all luck. They had to audition and compete, and for most of the "winners," you hear stories about how they were singing at church, school and any place they could for years before their audition. Effectively, they were perfecting their voice and their practice so when the opportunity to be "discovered" as an artist came along, they were ready and prepared for it. They could seize their once-in-a-lifetime opportunity... and they did.

And I can say the same for a lot of my once-in-a-lifetime opportunities. I have seized all the opportunities I could, but a lot of them wouldn't have come along at all if I hadn't first done the legwork. Even those that just bubbled up without my prior involvement -- I was just plain ol' lucky to have the opportunity -- I wouldn't have been able to take them had I not first done the legwork. (Clearly, it's all in the legwork as Tabitha's story attests!).

Or what about one of my favorite comedy actors, Ashton Kutcher? If you don't know his personal bio, he was, straight-up, "discovered" in a bar while in college. He was recruited for a modeling competition, won, and signed a huge modeling contract with an agency in New York .

Sure he was lucky to be in the bar at the right time. Maybe you can even say he was lucky to be born so good looking, but his success and his career today is more than just luck. He's had to work for it, too. It hasn't all been handouts (and as I've learned in my business, handouts often don't matter.)

Maybe A.K. had a little bit of luck, or a lot of luck, but what's important is what he did with that luck, right? It hasn't been all luck. Ashton's huge success today wasn't completely "brought by chance rather than through his own actions." It was his actions after a little bit of luck?

sticky. sticky. sticky.

Another confession: I find when I call someone "lucky" it's usually because I am jealous of them.

It was my becoming a minimalist that finally made me come to this realization.

I once told a friend he was "lucky" he didn't have these same school loans I did (that drown me alive). But he's not really lucky. He didn't win the lotto. No one handed him $150,000 and said "go to school." He worked a full-time job and moved home with his parents so he could pay for tuition while in law school. Perhaps he was lucky to have the option to live with his parents? I don't know.

This lucky thing starts to get confusing with too many fine lines.

Of course, I can't deny that certain aspects of my life are, and have been, filled with luck. Like being born in America and free from devastating hardships millions of people around the world still face. Or being adopted by two parents who love me and had the means to provide me everything I needed (and having a birth parent brave enough and generous enough to put me up for adoption). I'm also incredibly lucky to have survived a vicious car crash that almost claimed my life when I was 19, and so on. I had no control over these things. I was lucky. I am lucky.

Perhaps it's only applying "lucky" to someone's success that bugs me.

Then again, everything is connected.

When first writing this post, I tried to think about my own luck. College came to mind first and I thought, "I'm not "lucky" that I got into college. I worked my butt off!" Which is true, but I was also lucky to live in a place where I had access to a good, public education, and I was lucky my family provided me with an environment that allowed me to flourish, go to school, etc.

Perhaps there is a little bit of luck in everything. Perhaps that explains why not everyone who works hard is successful (like me failing the bar exam the first time, even though I studied hard, or the last 18 years of Tabitha's acting career).

Maybe you need a little bit of luck to have the right opportunity or the right moment or the right pair of shoes. I really don't know.

BUT my point is: it's not ALL luck.

And if someone isn't truly lucky -- like win the lotto lucky -- to have whatever it is that they have perhaps use a different expression ;)

And if you are jealous, I've found envy is a sneaky, sneaky monstah.

(*I have permission from the people in these stories to publish them on my blog with names changed and a few skewed details for the sake of privacy).

(**I came across this post some years ago. I've echoed and paraphrased some of the authors statements and ideas here. I also love the insight many of the commentators give in their comments.)

This Week's Q&A: Exercising & Weight-Loss, Butternut Squash Rinds, Lowering Cholesterol On A Plant-Based Diet & Dealing With Gas

Posted by: Lindsay S. Nixon |

Category: FAQ

You've got questions...

Q: I bought your 10 day immersion plus the 3 day reboot and I only lost 3 lbs. I even worked out the whole time!!! Is that normal? It's super upsetting.

A: Working out + calorie restriction can often derail weight-loss attempts, but even still, 3 lbs in 2 weeks is a normal, healthy loss. Most medical professionals recommend individuals only lose 1-2 lbs per week, which would be 2-4 lbs in a 14-day period. 3 lbs is smack in the middle. Also, the scale isn't the best indicator for weight-loss.

See this post:

Why you can't lose weight from exercise combined with caloric restriction

and these might help too:

Throw Away Your Scale! 10 Common Mistakes You Make Weighing Yourself

What Weighs More: A Pound of Fat or Pound of Muscle? (& Why the Scale is a Frenemy!)

Q: I bought some butternut squash for the first time this week. Do you eat the rind?

A: Don't eat the rind :) It's not poisonous or anything, but it's bitter and so fibrous it may cause digestive upsets. Butternut is yummy :)

Q: Do you have any links to articles explaining the benefits of a plant-based diet as it relates to cholesterol levels? My mom has high cholesterol, but doesn't want to take meds. She eats fairly well, but still eats meat and shellfish.

A: Cholesterol is only in animal foods -- esp. shellfish (they tend to be particularly high), but all meats (as well as dairy, and especially eggs) have cholesterol. Plants don't have cholesterol. The only way to lower cholesterol is to stop eating animal products :) The meds artificially lower cholesterol levels. Basically, people still die every year, just with good "faked" numbers thanks to the medication.

There are a bazilion links online but here are some from McDougall:

Dr. John McDougall Medical Message: Cholesterol (video)

Do Cholesterol-Lowering Drugs Cause Cancer?

Fat & Cholesterol: Primary Poisons

High Cholesterol

Cholesterol & Triglycerides: Risk Factors

and Essy:

In Cholesterol Lowering, Moderation Kills

Q&A with Caldwell B. Esselstyn, Jr., MD

and

Foods to Eat

Books:

Dr. Essy's book is great:

Prevent and Reverse Heart Disease: The Revolutionary, Scientifically Proven, Nutrition-Based Cure

Dr McDougall's is also good:

The Starch Solution: Eat the Foods You Love, Regain Your Health, and Lose the Weight for Good!

Q: In Happy Herbivore Light & Lean you mention that your stomach issues went away after going plant-based. I'm a plant-based wannabe, but I’m lazy and my husband's answer to me not cooking is ordering a pizza. I’m 95% plant-based, I’ve tried all sorts of eliminations and medication over the last 6 months - doesn't help. I can eat the blandest things and be plant-based for days at a time and still have two hours of burping, bloating and gas. I'm desperate for a solution. Could going full on plant-based really help?

A: I'm not a doctor so I'm limited in what I can say -- but I have had a few clients who still ate dairy, or meat, or junk foods here and there, and it messed them up for weeks. I also had a client who found out she was celiac recently, and although she removed gluten from her diet that very day, the effects lingered for months.

You can't expect instant results -- it can take weeks or months.

I'm allergic to broccoli, and if I accidentally eat it, I have digestive distress, pain, and gas for a week, even if I eat nothing but potatoes and rice with no seasonings. The body needs time to recover.

See these posts for more info -- and talk to your doctor. Sounds like something more serious than food intolerances might be going on :(

Flatulence

and

Elimination (Let's Just Talk About It.)

and

Herbie 101 Series: Pregnancy, Kids, and Bodily Functions

and this one especially:

How Long Does it Take to Feel Great on a Plant-Based Diet? (Beating Failure to Thrive)

Don’t forget to pay attention to how you're eating and swallowing -- swallowing air leads to burping in most cases, and sometimes gas.

Feel better!

A Vegan Taste of Park City, Utah; Jackson Hole, Wyoming; Big Sky, Montana

Posted by: Lindsay S. Nixon |

Category: Travel

For the past three weeks, Scott & I have been on a snowboarding trip through Park City, Jackson Hole, and Montana.

Although we've been cooking most of our meals in our hotel room using my trusty pressure cooker (stay tuned for a future post on that with pics!), we do like to venture out from time to time and see what we can find!

We went to Park City first and had a helluva time eating out. I'm not saying there weren't any vegan or plant-based options. I'm sure there were. The problem was every restaurant was booked, had an hour wait, etc. We tried on three seperate occassions to dine out (but I lack patience when I'm hungry) and ultimately gave up trying. Our hotel had a small restaurant so we ordered salads a few times there to supplement all our in-room cooking. (We also had great success finding big, beautiful salads at the ski resorts. Most also had vegan burgers).

Park City does have a Whole Foods Market, however.

Next... Jackson Hole!

I'm most proud of this salad find!

Here's the story: I walked into a Roadhouse in Wyoming. The special of the day was bone marrow (I'm really not joking). I was sure this place would finally defeat me. Nope. They had an "Ebony & Ivory" salad on the menu that was not only plant-based, but oil-free. I nearly died. (And it was so delicious I went back the very next day!) Local raw greens, quinoa, lentils, dried apricots and cashews (I ordered it without cashews and the peanut dressing). Amazing!

Although their menu changes seasonally, our friendly waiter told me they always have a few vegetarian options and at least a vegan salad, if not other vegan-friendly dishes. (I was sad to hear we'd missed the vegan enchiladas the previous season).

I also found this gem at a gas station in Wyoming. We'd been driving for over two hours (from Utah) and hadn't seen a single gas station, let alone a store or anything else. We had some food in the car, like rice cakes, but I wanted something a little more... fresh.

When we finally spotted a gas station, I was hopeful I'd find a banana. Or maybe an apple. I practically did a little dance move when I spotted this oil-free "Caviar."

It was delicious and I'm sorry I didn't buy more.

In Jackson, there's a wonderful vegan-friendly restaurant called the Lotus Cafe. Nearly every item on their menu can be made vegan. Although Scott and I generally avoid restaurant fare (well, except things like salads, veg sushi, and other things we know we can get oil-free), we decided to splurge and see how the vegan food was.

In short: Fantastic.

They offer all kinds of different pancakes, so we ordered two samplers. I couldn't tell you what they were except exceptional (but too oily).

Scott, being Southern, also couldn't pass up ordering the biscuits and gravy (served with steamed kale and Tofu Scramble).

I ordered the vegan Pho. I'd never had (or heard of) Pho until I was plant-based, and by then it was too late to try it since even vegetable Pho is made with a bone-broth.

As soon as I saw vegan Pho on the menu at Lotus Cafe, I knew I had to get it. I had to see what all the fuss was about. Why are my friends so bonkers for it? OMG. I get it now. Absolutely delicious. (It came with veggies and sprouts that didn't make the picture). If they used oil in this dish, I couldn't detect it at all.

We also stopped at Lotus Cafe on our way out of town to grab lunch.

Scott ordered the Tempeh Reuben. I was lame and ordered the Pho again :)

Next we traveled to Big Sky, MT.

It was snowing when we arrived and after we checked in, the snow was really coming down. I've never seen anything like it. I was already a little timid to venture out in those conditions, but we needed to get groceries for dinner. Then we saw a car flipped over on its side. I gave up -- safety first!

I was doubtful the hotel restaurant would have much to offer us, but hoped for a salad and a baked potato. If nothing else, I knew I had rice and hot sauce back in my room. Surely we could make something work?

The special of the day was a black bean, quinoa and avocado blue corn tortilla enchilada. I must've blinked five times reading the board.

"Is this vegan?" I asked the waitress and she said... "If you don't get the cheese on top and sour cream on the side. I had it for lunch. It was amazing." She checked with the kitchen to double confirm it was vegan (I kindly explained my dairy-allergy), and we ordered it to share, along with two big salads.

Talk about filling! All those beans and quinoa pack a punch, but it was great. Our sweet waitress said they also did a vegan quinoa and bean burger sometimes, so we've been on the lookout for that special!

Finally, Monday was our wedding anniversary so Scott and I made reservations at the Thai restaurant in town to treat ourselves.

Scott ordered the yellow curry, which was exceptional. I kept sneaking bites of the potatoes and green beans.

Meanwhile I ordered the papaya salad that was out of this world. If you ever find yourself in this restaurant, have them scale back on the heat because even the mild is explosive (and I like heat).

We were also able to find many of our travel standbys like vegetable sushi, steamed vegetables and rice, beans and rice, vegetable sandwiches, cheeseless veggie pizza, and gorgeous salads everywhere -- the ski resorts had plenty of options, too! (I'm going to do another post on my travel standbys stay tuned!) I am so happy to see how the food landscape is changing. I expected Wyoming to be tough, but was pleased to see how vegan and vegetarian-friendly the state was.

For snowboarders and skiers:

Big Sky wins no contest. Some of the best snowboarding of my life. (I've riden in Canada, all over the United States, and Europe).

In Park City: I liked Snowbird, Scott liked Snowbasin. Neither of us cared for Park City.

In Jackson Hole: We didn't care for Jackson Hole, but liked Grand Targee a lot!

Every resort had plenty of options -- both vegan (i.e. fries and veggie burgers) as well as healthy, WFPBNO (plant-based/no-oil options).

This was our first year where we went to most places instead of staying in one spot all winter. (Last winter it was Tahoe, the winter before Steamboat Springs, Colorado). It was nice to have a sampling, but my, how we loved Montana.

And the moose in Wyoming: